I'm Supposed to Forgive? Even That? "Walk This Way" Week 3

“Walk This Way” Weekly Reflection #3

This week’s Readings:

Jeremiah 31:31-34

Matthew 18:21-35

I recently met with a previous student whom I taught in middle school. He’s now in college, and when I was on my way to meet him, running late, I texted him to let him know I was sorry and would be there in a few minutes. His response? “For as many times I walked in late to class, take as much time as you need.”

That made me laugh, and also relieved the tinge of guilt and anxiety I felt about being late. When I arrived at the coffee place, and we’d been talking for a while, he said, “I’m pretty sure some of my teachers hated me. I talked a lot. I’m not sure how you put up with it.”

Honestly, that wasn’t my core memory of this student. I remembered him making me laugh, how smart he was, and how he got upset when I went to smash a spider that crawled across the floor. He firmly believed in rescuing the spider and putting it outside.  I remembered this as one of many examples of his sweet spirit. 

Having taught this student for four years,  I knew his occasional talkativeness wasn’t all that defined him. There was so much more, as evidenced later by the fact that he would reach out to have coffee with his former English teacher from years past. I was glad to tell him that day that none of his teachers “hated” him, even if they may have sometimes gotten frustrated with some chattiness. 

Similarly, God knows our hearts. He knows our hurts. He knows our mistakes, past, present, and future, but this is not all he sees. He sees more. He loves us and doesn’t want us to feel the pain of our mistakes or the crushing prison of unforgiveness. 

I wish forgiveness were always as easy as the example with my former student. In reality, it’s often much more difficult. Some things hurt too much. Sometimes,  we don’t know how to forgive because doing so just doesn’t feel right. But the truth is that God never commands us to forgive only when we feel like it. He simply tells us to forgive and to do it repeatedly. And that thing that seems impossible to forgive? Yes, even that.

This week’s reading from Matthew 18 says this:

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” Matthew 18:21-22

Yes, that’s a lot of forgiving. Yes, this seems impossible. But as with all God’s commands, they aren’t given to make us miserable. His commands come from a love so deep we can hardly fathom it and wisdom that is far greater than we can grasp.  He gives commands to protect us from staying stuck in misery. So when he says forgive that hurt that was done, we need to trust that by doing so, it really is for our good, and we will feel better in the long run. 

The parable Jesus tells in Matthew 18 gives a helpful warning of what we might face when we don’t forgive:

Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’  In anger, his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

“This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.” Matthew 18:32-35

The commentary notes in my Bible explain that Jesus’ parable isn’t teaching that we can lose our salvation by being unforgiving. The torture in prison is not in the next life, but in this one. When we won’t forgive others, our unforgiveness becomes a prison that traps and torments us as we endlessly mull things over. Unforgiveness is bad for our health, spiritually and physically. 

In a sermon by Timothy Keller, he explains that when we don’t forgive, it forms a deep root in our hearts, similar to a tree stump that gets pulled from the ground, which we think is gone, but then shoots up again later. The root of unforgiveness in our hearts can become a twisted root of anger and bitterness. When we have that in our hearts, we are only torturing ourselves. Bitterness never makes us better. God knows this. He knows that forgiveness is the only way to real freedom. 

When Jesus says,  “Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you,” he isn’t saying we receive God’s forgiveness because we have forgiven others. That would mean our forgiveness is dependent on our works, which clearly isn’t the case. Ephesians 2:8-9 reminds us of this truth: “For it is by grace you have been saved, through  faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.” He is saying that we forgive because we know we’ve been forgiven, similar to what we hear in the  Lord’s prayer: “Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us.” (Matt 6:12; Luke 11:4) 

God’s words on forgiveness brought several things to my attention this week that I hope and pray to remember as I seek to walk in the way Jesus wants me to walk:

1. A lack of forgiveness toward someone demonstrates a lack of gratitude for what Jesus did for us on the cross. 

In the parable Jesus gave, the servant who had been forgiven much should, in turn, have forgiven others. He should have felt so grateful for the forgiveness he received that he couldn’t help but do the same to others.  Likewise, we should always be ready to forgive others because of the enormous gift of forgiveness we’ve received. When I remember that unforgiveness demonstrates a lack of gratitude to Jesus, I think twice about any wrong feelings I might be carrying in my heart.

2. Unforgiveness hinders our relationship with God. 

Matthew 5:23-24 says, “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you,  leave your gift there in front of the altar. First, go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.”

Mark 11:24-25 says, “Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”

God clearly lets us know here and throughout the Bible that forgiveness is a necessity, not an option. If I desire to walk more closely with God, I can’t let an unforgiving spirit get in the way.

3. People and the things they might do or not do aren’t really the enemy. The enemy is the enemy. 

We’re told this in Ephesians 6:12: “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”

4. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you’re saying what the other person did was okay. It’s not shoving something down and pretending it didn’t happen. It’s knowing clearly that something is not okay and that only God can do the true healing of that hurt on both sides. We have to give it to him. 

5. My mistakes are no less than others. They are also the reason Jesus died on that cross. Jesus defeated all evil on the cross. He said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” (Luke 23:24) If Jesus did that while suffering on the cross, I should be able to forgive any wrongs done to me. 

So, then, how do we do it? How do we actually forgive FROM THE HEART, not just say it, but mean it? 

To help me actually put these words into action, I came up with some quick words to say to myself that I hope will help me walk in the way of forgiveness when needed. Here they are:

“Thank you, Jesus, for forgiving ME.” 

I can say this when I feel like I’m having a hard time understanding a wrong done to me, remembering what Jesus did for me. 

“They are not the enemy. The enemy is the enemy.” 

This reminds me of God’s truth in Ephesians 6:12, helping me when I feel upset about something hurtful someone might have said or done.

“Gracious Assumptions”  

This is a phrase I learned from Revelation Wellness founder Alisa Keeton. These two words help when I don’t understand why someone does something hurtful. They remind me that people are generally doing the best they can at the moment and to give them grace when offended by something they say or do. 

“You don’t know their story.” 

This phrase is one I’ve often repeated to remind myself that everyone is going through something, and we don’t really know what that is. We can’t take everything personally.

“Watch Yourself.” 

This one comes from Luke 17:3-4, which says, “So watch yourselves. If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.” 

This reminds me to be careful and watch myself, to not focus on the other person, but on my response, also remembering that I have made mistakes too.

“He sees me.” 

This phrase stems from the story of Hagar in Genesis 16:13 which says, “She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me.” 

This reminds me that God, who is a God of justice, sees everything and will be sure to bring justice and fairness where I cannot. 

“Cast your cares.”  

This is my reminder to forgive right away and then give the hurt and pain to him. It comes from 1 Peter 5:6-9, which says, “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.”

And what about when I fail at doing this forgiveness thing perfectly? 

I don’t beat myself up over it, and I don’t give up. I remember that it’s not easy and that God understands. I pray for his help with forgiving.  I remember the other reading from this past Sunday, “For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more” (Jeremiah 31:34b), and thank God from deep in my heart that I am loved with his unending, steadfast love. 

Journaling Ideas:

1.)Is there someone who has hurt you that you’re having a hard time forgiving? Write a prayer to God about this person and the situation. Pour out your heart to God and ask him to help you forgive even when it seems impossible. 

2.)Is there a phrase above that resonated with you? Write this phrase out. Write the verses this phrase came from and read the entire passage if possible. Write your thoughts. In what situations might this phrase be helpful to remember?  If it helps, post this phrase somewhere you’ll see it often.  

3.)Are you struggling with forgiving yourself for anything? Write a prayer asking for God’s forgiveness. Read Jeremiah 31:34 and Luke 23:24. Write these verses down. Picture Jesus sincerely forgiving you. Write a prayer of thanks for His forgiveness and unending love.

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